A Likeness to Eternity

In the spiritual community to which I belong, we are reflecting on the art of meaningful relationships, and I am struck by some wisdom I’ve come across which advises the opposite of what most of us would consider the Christian way: be slow to make friends. It seems odd, even ungodly perhaps; and yet that is precisely what the spiritual giant, Alred of Rievaulx, claims is best. Alred was a 12th century monk and a contemporary of St. Bernard of Clairvaux. In fact, Bernard was so taken by Alred’s rich and healthy relationships, Bernard asked him to write a book describing the pursuit of such Christ-centered friendships. The result is Alred’s classic work, Spiritual Friendship, in which, among many other treasures of wisdom, he gives this advice: don’t commit to friendship with just anyone. Now, it helps me to realize that he means friendship in a very specific way: not just those with whom we have causal, “friendly” relationships, but those we allow into the closest places in our heart. Once I see that, the wisdom becomes evident. Yes, Christ-followers are called to love everyone, but not to admit just anyone into the inner circle of our lives. We all seem to know this intuitively: he just offers a more thoughtful and intentional rationale:

Since your friend is the companion of your soul, to whose spirit you join and attach yours, and so associate yourself that you wish to become one instead of two, since he is one to whom you entrust yourself as to another self, from whom you hide nothing, from whom you fear nothing, you should, in the first place, surely choose one who is considered fitted for all this. Then he is to be tried, and so finally admitted. For friendship should be stable and manifest a certain likeness to eternity, persevering always in affection. And so we ought not, like children, to change friends by reason of some vagrant whim.

What a helpful vision! First, Alred would have us practice discernment in those we allow in the inner circle of our lives. This is not out of any pretension, but because it is they who most will shape and define who we are, and we them. But, after that, once we’ve committed our lives to another, we refuse to cast off that friendship on a whim, or whenever difficulty arises. What a refreshing picture in a world of superficial connections and disposable relationships! I pray that God would give us the wisdom to live out this vision in such a way that our friendships might become for the world “a likeness to eternity.”